ARTICLE ARCHIVE/ENGLISH JOKES

Student: Doctor, I think that I have been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Student : Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I will be able to see if your neck leaks.

What kind of dog can jump higher than a building?

Any kind of dog. Buildings can’t jump!

Good excuse for not turning in an assignment during on-line class:

My WIFI went down.

Bad excuse for not turning in an assignment during on-line class:

I left it at home.

My parents, when I was 8: “Go to your room!”

My parents now: "Come out of your room!"

Two girls wear the same clothes: “She copied my style!!"

Two boys wear the same clothes: "Cool!"

There was a typing mistake on the test I was taking.

Instead of saying "(D) none of the above," it said, "(D) one of the above."

So, I picked "(D)

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher said, “Why are you two arguing?”
One boy answered, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided it would belong to whoever told the biggest lie.”
“Boys, you should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Teacher: How old is your dad?
Student: He is as old as I am.
Teacher: How is that possible?
Student: Because he only became a dad after I was born!

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.
Donald throws his backpack out the window.
Teacher: Who threw that?
Donald: Me, so can I go home now?

Teacher: Kids, what does a fat chicken give you?
Students: Fried chicken!
Teacher: Very good! Now, what does a fat pig give you?
Students: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does a fat cow give you?
Students: Homework!

Sad news to share: my dad just contracted COVID and lost his sense of taste.

He listens to a lot of Justin Bieber, now.

A girl once told me, “If you lost 50 pounds, you would be cute.”

I told her, “If I lost 50 pounds, I would be talking to your cute friends!”

Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

A cute girl at work said she would only go on a date with me on a day that doesn't end in "Y."

So, I said, "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"

Dolphins are highly intelligent animals. American scientists proved that after only a brief time in captivity, they are able to train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and toss them bits of fish.

Does the word “studying” come from the phrase “students dying"?

What is the center of gravity?

The letter "v"

Why was the student’s report card wet?

Because it was below "C" level!

First stranger: Just look at that kid with the shaved head, tattoos, and ripped jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?

Second stranger: It’s a girl! She’s my daughter!

First stranger: Oh, I’m so sorry, sir! I didn’t know that you were her father.

Second stranger: I’m not! I’m her mother!

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch myself, it hurts.”

The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”

The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”

The doctor says, “I think I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!”

A guy went to an interview at a big IT company for the position of “Computer Hacking Investigator.”

The boss asked him, "So, what makes you suitable for this job?"

He replied, "Well, I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview."

I was in a taxi today, and the driver said, “I love my job. I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”

Then, I said, “Turn left."

Today I saw two blind people fighting.

To stop them, I shouted, “I’m supporting the one with the knife!"

They both ran away.

Teacher: Where is your homework?

Me: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in school.

I watched my dog chase his tail for 30 minutes.

I thought, “Wow, dogs are easy to entertain!"

Then I realized--I had just watched my dog chase his tail for 30 minutes!

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for 30 minutes and finally hung up.

Dad: Wow, that was short! Usually, you talk for two hours. What happened?

She: Nothing. It was a wrong number.

What gets wetter the more that it dries?

A towel

At dinner, a boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"

The father replies, "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner."

After dinner, the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"

"Never mind," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

Teacher: Where were you born?
Boy: California.
Teacher: Which part?
Boy: All of me!

Two old friends meet after not seeing one another for almost 10 years.
Friend 1: What are you doing these days?
Friend 2: PHD.
Friend 1: Wow! You're a doctor!
Friend 2: No, no. Pizza Home Delivery.

Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?
A: A brick.

Teacher: If you had one dollar, and you asked your father for another dollar, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher: Vincent, you don’t know your arithmetic.
Vincent: Ma'am, you don’t know my father!

Teacher: If I gave you two cats and another two cats and another two cats, how many cats would you have?
Donald: Seven.
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you two cats and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?
Donald: Seven.
Teacher: No. Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples and another two apples and another two apples, how many would you have?
Donald: Six.
Teacher: Yes! Good! Now, if I gave you two cats and another two cats and another two cats, how many would you have?
Donald: Seven!
Teacher: Donald, how could you possibly have seven cats?
Johnny: Because I already have a cat!

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck!

What is green and looks like a tree?

A tree

What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?

A can’t opener

Patient: Doctor, I have lost my memory.

Doctor: When did it happen?

Patient: When did what happen?

Why can’t your hand be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot

Why don’t crocodiles eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!

What is the hardest part about skydiving?

The ground!

What do you buy for a woman who has everything?

A burglar alarm!

Question: I have a huge head, seven eyes and two fangs. What am I?

Answer: Ugly

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language!

Why are Superman’s suits so tight?

They are all size "S"!

What does a geologist do for entertainment?

Goes to a rock concert!

What gets bigger the more you take away from it?

A hole!

What is black and white and black and white and black and white?

A panda rolling down the stairs!

How many letters are in the alphabet?

There are 10 letters in "the alphabet."

Sandy’s mother has four kids: North, South, East, and ...?

Sandy, of course!

How do porcupines kiss?

Carefully!

What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?

The same middle name!

What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm!

A plane crashed in the jungle, and every single person died. Who survived?

Married couples!

What was a more useful invention than the first telephone?

The second telephone!

How many months have 28 days?

All of them!

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are so good at it!

Why did the soccer player take so long to eat dinner?

He thought he couldn’t use his hands!

How many gorillas can fit into a car?

Eight.

How many chickens can fit into the car?

None, the car is already full of gorillas.

Wife: Dear, I made cookies for you. It is an apology because I

wrecked your car.

Husband: YOU DID WHAT?!

Wife: Cookies. I made cookies for you.

In a boomerang shop: "I'd like to buy a new boomerang, please. Also,

can you tell me how to throw the old one away?"

Hint: When you throw a boomerang, it always comes back.

Teacher: Tony, please make a sentence starting with “I.”

Tony: Yes, Ma'am. "I" is…

Teacher: Oh, no, no, Tony, that is incorrect. You should say, “I am.”

Tony: Sorry! "I" am the ninth letter in the alphabet.

Little Donald: Mom, I got hundred in class today!

Mom: Wonderful! On what?

Little Donald: Well, first, I got a 40 in math and then, a 60 in history!

Teacher: Class, this morning, we will have only half a day of school.

Class: Yaaaaay!

Teacher: And this afternoon, we will enjoy the second half.

A lady walks into a shop in the mall and says to the clerk,

“Hi, I really need a stronger pair of glasses.”

“Yeah, you do,” says the clerk. “This is a bakery.”

Little Donald: Mom, I have good news and bad news.

Which do you want to hear first?

Mom: Let me hear the good news first.

Little Donald: I got a B in math today.

Mom: Oh, very good! And now the bad news?

Little Donald: That was a lie!

The teacher scolds Little Donald: "Donald! Tell me the truth.

You had your parents help you with the homework, didn’t you?"

Little Donald replies, “No, absolutely not! They did it all by themselves!”

Mom: Little Donald, why did you cover your pillow with honey?

Little Donald: Because I wanted to have sweet dreams!

Four people go for a walk. They only have one umbrella, but not one

of them gets wet. Why?

Because it wasn’t raining!

Teacher: Donald, tell me your date of birth?

Donald: July 13

Teacher: Which year?

Donald: Every year!

Antonia has five chocolate bars. Her friend Julie asks her for two of

them. How many chocolate bars does Antonia have?

Answer: Still five. Antonia is a very greedy girl.

Teacher: Mary, tell me the chemical formula for water?

Mary: Yes Ma’am. It is H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O!

Teacher: No, Mary. That is wrong.

Mary: But, Ma'am, yesterday you said it was "H to O"!

HINT: "H2O" sounded, to Mary, like the alphabet letters "H to O."

What is a math teacher’s favorite dessert?

Pi. HINT: Pi (∏) sounds like "pie."

I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea.

He said he can't complain. HINT: It is not smart to complain in NK!